Question to heal from my past trauma:
First of all, kindly maintain full privacy.
Age: 20
Sex: female
I am a university student in my 1st year. I will start from the beginning. During my childhood I saw a lot of domestic violence. Then while I was in class 5, I was sexually abused by one of my relatives, I had no idea about what really happened and learned about it later, my family distanced me from him but never took actions. I am an only child and never really had friends either although I am extroverted, my father is in admin so his posting kept changing.
I grew up alone, seeing domestic violence and with the trauma of sexual assault. The first time I got to know how intimacy works was in class 7, then I started exploring it through a fake fb id , porn videos and etc. I got involved with texting intimately with fake IDs through social media. I didn’t enjoy it to be honest, never felt anything but I did it anyways maybe out of curiosity.
In class 8, I finally made friends and also slowly distanced myself from all that. I was bullied in my new school for growing up outside Dhaka. I tried hard to fit in and get along, it was getting frustrating. In 2019 I met a guy, started being friends with him, he showed his interest in me, he needed my support as he had a lot of trauma as well and I needed his support. So we started dating. First 1 year with him was fine, then we decided to get close physically, I just wanted to replace my trauma of sexual abuse with a normal experience of intimacy, because whenever I thought of intimacy it would scare me . But he was really rough, didn’t respect my boundaries. I thought maybe that’s how it works, we tried again but it was all too mentally and physically painful for me.
Then COVID came and we went into lockdown. Me and my ex used to text/video call a lot , sometimes about intimate stuff. However during lockdown things went downhill, my ex started being over possessive and toxic, he used to slut shame me for even speaking to other guys normally. It was hurting me a lot, he was dictating me to a level I felt suffocated. So I left him in 2021 November, after that he kept trying to contact me again and again.
January 2022 I think is when I completely cut him off and start fresh. But after that breakup, not only my ex slut shamed me but my mother also slut shamed me. I used to get mocked by my classmates for being aunty like as well as I used to wear traditional and all. I finally lost it and thought if being a good girl isn’t helping I might as well be what they call me as, a slut.
I again got addicted to intimate things. When someone gave me validation, I used to love it and the easiest way to get validation was to do intimate texts and things with opposite gender. So I got involved in a lot of online based intimate texts/video calls. I also physically got close with someone.
Then after a year, I met a guy with whom I truly fell in love. I saw peace in him, I instantly knew he is special. He was resistant, for almost a year it was one sided. Then I went on a date with someone else, it became a one time thing, we got close 2 times, one time it resulted into intercourse.
When I told the guy who I loved, he was very disturbed by it , then we started our relationship as we realized we loved each other.
Here comes the biggest problem, I couldn’t give up my addiction on time , I didn’t stay loyal to him and did cheat but felt guilty instantly. For the past 8 months I have been completely clean and loyal. But he somehow got to know about the things I did in the past now ofcourse he doesn’t believe me . My mother died this year. My world revolves around my partner. He is going to leave me I am afraid. Although I have truly truly changed myself, I really don’t know how to make him believe that and make him stay.
The things I did wrong towards my current partner:
– cheated on him
– told my friends about our relationship and gave them details although he told me not to do that, so I invaded his privacy
– let my ex contact me and video call me.
I am not being able to sleep , eat, study or do any of my daily chores properly. I am drowning in guilt of hurting him and the fear of losing him. I feel like I will di*e if I lose him. I am doing everything in my power to be the perfect woman for him but he might still leave me , can’t blame him . I don’t know why I did what I did , I truly always loved him and saw my future with him. Right now I am scared of losing him, it will end my life. He said he loves someone else and he found better. I am begging him to stay . I don’t understand what to do.
My Questions:
1. Why did I end up hurting someone I truly love?
2. How can I fix myself and heal the relationship?
3. What can I do to lessen both my pain and his?
4. How do I make him believe that I have changed and will remain loyal?
Suggestion:
Experiencing trauma at a young age can have long-lasting effects on one’s mental health and relationships. It’s common for individuals to seek validation and cope in ways that might not be healthy, which can lead to further emotional turmoil. Understanding why these behaviors occur and how to address them is crucial for healing and building trust with loved ones.
Understanding the Root of the Issue
Trauma, especially from domestic violence and sexual abuse, can deeply impact one’s perception of intimacy and relationships. It’s essential to recognize that these experiences often lead to seeking validation through unhealthy means, as seen in the case of a 20-year-old university student who shared her story of struggling with past trauma and its impact on her relationships.
Steps to Healing and Rebuilding Trust
1. Acknowledge and Understand the Trauma: Recognizing the impact of past experiences on current behavior is the first step towards healing. Understanding that these actions were coping mechanisms can help in forgiving oneself.
2. Seek Professional Help: Consulting a psychologist or counselor can provide the tools and support needed to address past traumas and develop healthier coping strategies.
3. Open Communication: Honest and open communication with your partner about your past and your efforts to change is essential. This can help rebuild trust and show your commitment to the relationship.
4. Consistent Actions: Demonstrating your commitment through consistent behavior changes is crucial. Actions speak louder than words, and over time, your partner may begin to see and believe in your transformation.
5. Self-Care and Independence: Focusing on your well-being and developing independence can help reduce the dependency on your partner for validation. This includes maintaining healthy routines, engaging in hobbies, and building a support network outside the relationship.
Suggested By:
Md. Asadujjaman Raju
MPhil Research Fellow Part-1, Dhaka University
Counselling Psychologist
Pinel Mental Health Care Centre (PMHCC)
Hotline: 01681006726
222/1B, South Pirerbag, Mirpur-2, Dhaka -1216
Conclusion
Healing from trauma and building a healthy, trusting relationship is a gradual process that requires patience, effort, and professional support. By understanding the root causes of your behavior, seeking help, and consistently working towards positive change, it is possible to heal and foster a loving, trusting relationship.
[N:B: When addressing sensitive and potentially triggering content like the detailed personal history of someone experiencing significant emotional distress, it’s essential to handle it with care and empathy while avoiding explicit details that might violate privacy or community guidelines. Here’s a revised version of the original issue, edited to maintain the individual’s privacy and focus on the broader emotional and psychological aspects]
Tags:
– Trauma Recovery
– Building Trust in Relationships
– Overcoming Infidelity
– Mental Health Support
– Healing from Abuse
– Healthy Relationships
– Professional Counseling
– Emotional Well-being